Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Post Where I Have an Emotional Breakdown

*Disclaimer: This post is a completely emotional rant written by a crying hormonal pregnant woman.

Yesterday and today have been very emotional days for me. I am generally not a random crier, but today especially, the waterworks have been flowing. I feel like all the possible negative thoughts that I have been suppressing for the last 6 months have all bubbled to the top and needed to be let out. So here it emotional outburst.

This pregnancy is stressful. I don't mean like kind of stressful, I mean keeps me up at night stressful. After I had my miscarriage back in June, I wanted to jump back onto the pregnancy wagon immediately. And we did, but that just caused me to stress for the first 12 weeks. I was terrified when I had an episode of bleeding. I would lay in bed at night praying to make it to 12 weeks.

Once I hit 12 weeks a whole new set of worries came up. Please let my cervix hold up. Please don't let me go into preterm labor before 24 weeks. At 22 weeks when I needed my cerclage I was scared of all the risks involved, but knew without it, this baby wouldn't have made it. I needed to make it to 24 weeks in order to have a viable baby. And even then, if this baby was born, it would most likely have significant medical problems, some that could be lifelong, and would require a very lengthy NICU stay.

At 24 weeks, I thought I would breath a little easier, but I didn't. My fears grew stronger as I came closer to the 27 week mark. Now I knew what to expect if the baby was born. And knowing was so hard. I knew what would happen in the NICU, all the ultrasounds to check for brain bleeds, heart monitors, episodes of apnea, bradycardia, ventilators, CPAP, O2, possible PDA, jaundice, infections, IV scares me so much to have another baby go through that.

When I got an infection at 26 weeks (from my cerclage placement) and started having contractions, I put on a brave face and told everyone I was fine. But I wasn't. I was terrified of Baby K being born that early. Even though my infection is gone, I am still have contractions on a daily basis and constantly pray Baby K stays put.

I thought getting passed that 27 weeks 6 days mark would start to make me feel better. But it didn't. I mean, I feel so much better that this baby has already had a week longer in my belly than Julianna, but I know how hard things would still be at this point. It would be a long tough road for him.

I start a diabetic diet tomorrow, this will probably be the easiest obstacle to overcome. I mean women deal with gestational diabetes all the time and everything is fine. But unfortunately, it ups my odds for preterm labor a little and I don't need those odds to be any higher. I don't need anything else to complicate this pregnancy...I have enough already.

I want to scream when I hear other moms complain about their completely normal textbook pregnancy (sorry pregnant friends, this is just included in my rant...I am THRILLED none of you have to experience this...I wouldn't wish it on anyone! So please don't think I don't want to hear about your pregnancy...I do!) while I desperately long for a normal pregnancy, one where I don't worry about when my baby will be born and if he will survive if he comes too soon.

And with all this stress over keeping Baby K safe in my belly, there is the stress of taking care of Julianna. Not that she is stressful (well most of the time she isn't), but by being put on bed rest again, it means I have to find people to watch Julianna whenever Joe is at work. I miss her when she's gone for 48 hrs a time. And I hate that other people have to do my job. That I cannot be the one hugging her and picking her up and tucking her into bed at night. She already has quit coming to me when she wants things and goes to Joe instead. It breaks my heart that she realizes I can't help her when she needs me to.

This is stress on Joe too. He doesn't show it much , but I know it is. I feel awful that he has to do all the housework, and the laundry, and take care of Julianna, and do the grocery shopping, and cook the meals, and works 2 jobs on top of all of it. I appreciate everything he does and tell him that as often as I can, but it is stressful.

I know how important these next few months are for Baby K and I will do everything I have to to make sure he stays put, but I am really ready to be done with this pregnancy. I am ready for all this stress to go away. I am ready to exchange my sleepless nights from worry for sleepless night due to a crying baby. I am ready to pick up Julianna and give her a big hug. I am ready for Joe to be able to have some free time for himself. I am ready to be our family of 4, not 3 and 1 any day. I am ready to stop worrying so much.

I am ready to stop being scared all the time.

1 comment:

  1. Lindsay, I love you - you are so strong and I admire you SO much. You and your family are in my thoughts and I am keeping all fingers and toes crossed for the on-time and not a minute too soon arrival of Baby K.


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