Thursday, April 15, 2010

I Want to Cry

You know what can make you feel like a really bad mom? Being woken up at 2am not by a hungry baby but by a portable chest x-ray coming to into your baby's room because he is struggling to breath, but you didn't even know he was struggling. When you fell asleep an hour earlier he was doing fine, a little uncomfortable, but still breathing fine on his own. You had no idea he was having trouble breathing because he doesn't make any noise when he cries. Having had a breathing tube for 36 hours has made him hoarse and you didn't hear him crying, struggling for air, his little heart working too hard.

Will has been intubated again. At 3am his room was a flurry of doctors, respiratory therapists and nurses all working quickly to sedate him and put a breathing tube back in. Dr F, the charge doctor tonight, said that the problem wasn't Will's lungs, but that his heart wasn't able to keep up with all the work of breathing. I wanted to cry. But I didn't.

I haven't cried yet. I've wanted to, but keep thinking what's the use, crying doesn't accomplish anything. Now, I want to cry. I want a good hard cry where I can just blubber on about everything I'm feeling and about how scared I am for Will. I want to sob uncontrollably and then feel a little better. But still I think what good would it do? Would having a complete and total mental breakdown really be of benefit to anyone?

I feel like I need to be strong for Will, for Julianna, even for Joe, but all I really want to do is cry.


  1. No its okay to cry. You have to deal with so many emotions right now and crying can help to deal with them. Your one strong mama Lindsay. Will and Julianna are the luckiest kids around to have parents like you and Joe and don't forget that!!! It broke my heart to read your post first thing is morning and know I am sending prayers up as I type. We will be praying for you at our bible study this morning. Will is an amazing kid and he will be just fine his heart just needs a little more time to heal.

  2. Lindsay - I am totally tearing up right now. I know what you mean about wanting to be strong for everyone, but sometimes you just need that cry. I used to do it when I was pumping. When I was all alone and no one could see my breakdown. Do you have someone you could vent to? I did a lot of that on the phone with my mom. I will keep on praying for Will. Hang in there Momma. God will provide. Angie Montgomery

  3. Always praying for Will Lindsay...

    BREAK DOWN! You have to get everything out, I've cried every day since Mason was born & it always makes me feel better, keeping it bottled up doesn't do anyone any good either! Let us know if you guys need anything! You can always call me if you need to vent!


  4. Lindsay crying is not a bad thing. I give you so much credit for going through these issues not just once, but now twice. You are a strong momma and it's ok to cry! Please let us know if you need naything at all!


  5. Cry girl Cry! Mom's have a tough job. But sometimes you can't help it. We're thinking of you everyday!

  6. I second what Mallory said!!!

    Crying is GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! It makes it harder to bottle it up!! There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with crying. You have gone through soo much the last several years with your two miracles. You are a great MOM and NO ONE will think any less of you if you have a good hard cry.

    We are hear if you need anything!!
    As always we have Will and your family in our thoughts!



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